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 Steves overnight writing session

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Stevenkade
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PostSubject: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:43 pm

He can feel it, feel the evil in the air
They caught him now, and his blood they will share
Making a toast, that this is one that they will spare
So he lived now, with a huge burden from them to bare
Blood dripping from his torso, difficulties breathing in the air
Blood boiling so hot, its hurting, he's ripping out his hair
He can feel it now, eyes glowing red with an evil glare
With the pain he is enduring, he will make the world scared
Humans are the game, and now he is the top player
They all live in fear, while he rests in his lair
These are words the dark ones speak, they whisper in his ear
This is the future he holds, he better embrace it with no fear


What do you do when evil catches up to you
Would you run from it, or man up and face it
Chase it, or would you give up and replace it


He shouldn't be feelin like this at this time of night
It just feels so right, why is his mind choosing to fight
Instead of delight, he decides to live full of freight
Now his courage gaining some height, the new menace at night
Now it's not bright, the light diseased by hells bite
Two hours passed midnight, trying to maintain himself boldly
This is a last memory, grasping this cross like it's holy
Lost touch of reality, his skin changing deniably
Sensative strung by fragility, blood thirsty with ability
Strength rising rapidly, and hunger arising like crazy
Humans smell like dairy,their blood in his body he will carry
To the depths of hells gates, I introduce them to their fates


So on the darkest night, when evils within sight
You cannot run from it, or even find it to fight
You cannot chase it, just embrace it and replace it


Last edited by Stevenkade on Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Stevenkade
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:43 pm

Just was seeing how creative I could be...tried to paint a picture a bit, so while you read it it's like you are actually watchin somethin. Idk, just gimme honest opinions on whachu think Smile
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Caleb
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:45 pm

its deep...
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Swallow777
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 pm

Steve...you're insane.

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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:47 pm

*hides behind swallow*
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Stevenkade
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:48 pm

:DD but is it at least creative? like the idea of it!
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:50 pm

it is very creative and i was just jokin around
well done steve
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:57 pm

It is rather creative, yes. You're still insane.

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Masta Le
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:49 pm

It's great, I like it.

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Luketh
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:43 pm

Right, good job. I love this style of writing/poetry, especially when you can get a good flow to go with it.

The wording was pretty good, although at some points I was like "blahblehbleh" in my head 'cause there were too many syllables or whatever. No big deal, though. I didn't have to stop and restart any of the lines or anything.

The one thing I'd say, though, is to play around with the rhyme scheme a little more. The first verse has AAAAAAAABBCC. There are WAAAAAAY too many As in there and it gets pretty redundant by the end. Makes the poem seem like a broken record hitting the same note over and over again in my head if you know what I mean.

Other than that it was really good. I loved the 2nd verse; it was deep.

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Kai Isakaru
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:15 pm

the rhyme scheme seems to have a sense of desperation, like in V for Vendetta when he rants always starting with v's. unlike luke, number of syllables doesn't matter to me, since I am fully literate.
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Luketh
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:33 pm

Hey now! Not cool!

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Stevenkade
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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 28, 2011 2:44 am

Dear mama, sorry i'm a lil caught up in life

I know you don't understand right now but i'm doin alright

I can't think of the words to say to you, but you know I can write

You know I miss watchin disney movies with you before bed every night

I wish we could re-live those days forever, despite all the fights

You have always believed in me, I think you're the source of my might

Sometimes I ignore you, i'm so sorry i know it's not right

I'm a little bit twisted right now,and nothing looks bright

I guess we should be grateful, that bethany has held on so tight

If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be writing this tonight

Please don't let that quote fill you with freight

I was too caught up in telling myself lies

I know that you love her, i'm glad she got through

And I love how you still accept her, after our long past we've been through

Even when I said I'ma marry her i think you believed it too

But i've gone off topic now, this was supposed to be about you

I am gonna be a great son for you if it's the last thing i do

And you're right there are some who would kill to be in my shoes

Give up everything in a second just to trade places for a mother like you

But i am of your breed and too stubborn and hard headed to see

Sometimes the greatest things I could have are right in front of me

But i'm working on that now, i'm already feeling more free

I'm telling you mom things will go back to the way they used to be

I'll no longer stay distant, phone calls and texts will be a new routine

And you know, i'm glad you found a man who has brought you your peace

After the life you've lived you deserve that at least

I use least lightly cause you deserve the best

The way you are around him, i put that statement to rest

I wish you wouldn't worry so much, I know that you care

But I just want to let you know your baby boys still here

I'm not going anywhere so please do not fear

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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:54 am

D'awww. Your mom will love it, I'm sure.

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PostSubject: Re: Steves overnight writing session   Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:34 pm

Bahaha! "D'awww!"

Yeah man, that's some pretty real shit.

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