| Steves overnight writing session | |
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Stevenkade General Poster
Posts : 835 Join date : 2009-05-16 Age : 32 Location : On teh toilet
| Subject: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:43 pm | |
| He can feel it, feel the evil in the air They caught him now, and his blood they will share Making a toast, that this is one that they will spare So he lived now, with a huge burden from them to bare Blood dripping from his torso, difficulties breathing in the air Blood boiling so hot, its hurting, he's ripping out his hair He can feel it now, eyes glowing red with an evil glare With the pain he is enduring, he will make the world scared Humans are the game, and now he is the top player They all live in fear, while he rests in his lair These are words the dark ones speak, they whisper in his ear This is the future he holds, he better embrace it with no fear
What do you do when evil catches up to you Would you run from it, or man up and face it Chase it, or would you give up and replace it
He shouldn't be feelin like this at this time of night It just feels so right, why is his mind choosing to fight Instead of delight, he decides to live full of freight Now his courage gaining some height, the new menace at night Now it's not bright, the light diseased by hells bite Two hours passed midnight, trying to maintain himself boldly This is a last memory, grasping this cross like it's holy Lost touch of reality, his skin changing deniably Sensative strung by fragility, blood thirsty with ability Strength rising rapidly, and hunger arising like crazy Humans smell like dairy,their blood in his body he will carry To the depths of hells gates, I introduce them to their fates
So on the darkest night, when evils within sight You cannot run from it, or even find it to fight You cannot chase it, just embrace it and replace it
Last edited by Stevenkade on Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 pm; edited 1 time in total | |
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Stevenkade General Poster
Posts : 835 Join date : 2009-05-16 Age : 32 Location : On teh toilet
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:43 pm | |
| Just was seeing how creative I could be...tried to paint a picture a bit, so while you read it it's like you are actually watchin somethin. Idk, just gimme honest opinions on whachu think | |
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Caleb General Poster
Posts : 594 Join date : 2010-07-03 Age : 24 Location : Houston, Texas
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:45 pm | |
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Swallow777 Leaders
Posts : 2341 Join date : 2009-03-25 Age : 30 Location : The Underworld, obviously.
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 pm | |
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Caleb General Poster
Posts : 594 Join date : 2010-07-03 Age : 24 Location : Houston, Texas
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:47 pm | |
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Stevenkade General Poster
Posts : 835 Join date : 2009-05-16 Age : 32 Location : On teh toilet
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:48 pm | |
| :DD but is it at least creative? like the idea of it! | |
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Caleb General Poster
Posts : 594 Join date : 2010-07-03 Age : 24 Location : Houston, Texas
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:50 pm | |
| it is very creative and i was just jokin around well done steve | |
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Swallow777 Leaders
Posts : 2341 Join date : 2009-03-25 Age : 30 Location : The Underworld, obviously.
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:57 pm | |
| It is rather creative, yes. You're still insane. | |
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Masta Le Mod of Greatness
Posts : 2031 Join date : 2009-08-19 Age : 26 Location : CONFIDENTIAL
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 7:49 pm | |
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Luketh Leaders
Posts : 4072 Join date : 2009-02-21 Location : in a box, under a bridge
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 21, 2011 11:43 pm | |
| Right, good job. I love this style of writing/poetry, especially when you can get a good flow to go with it.
The wording was pretty good, although at some points I was like "blahblehbleh" in my head 'cause there were too many syllables or whatever. No big deal, though. I didn't have to stop and restart any of the lines or anything.
The one thing I'd say, though, is to play around with the rhyme scheme a little more. The first verse has AAAAAAAABBCC. There are WAAAAAAY too many As in there and it gets pretty redundant by the end. Makes the poem seem like a broken record hitting the same note over and over again in my head if you know what I mean.
Other than that it was really good. I loved the 2nd verse; it was deep. | |
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Kai Isakaru General Poster
Posts : 969 Join date : 2009-12-31 Location : hiding from you.
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:15 pm | |
| the rhyme scheme seems to have a sense of desperation, like in V for Vendetta when he rants always starting with v's. unlike luke, number of syllables doesn't matter to me, since I am fully literate. | |
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Luketh Leaders
Posts : 4072 Join date : 2009-02-21 Location : in a box, under a bridge
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Wed Jun 22, 2011 8:33 pm | |
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Stevenkade General Poster
Posts : 835 Join date : 2009-05-16 Age : 32 Location : On teh toilet
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 28, 2011 2:44 am | |
| Dear mama, sorry i'm a lil caught up in life
I know you don't understand right now but i'm doin alright
I can't think of the words to say to you, but you know I can write
You know I miss watchin disney movies with you before bed every night
I wish we could re-live those days forever, despite all the fights
You have always believed in me, I think you're the source of my might
Sometimes I ignore you, i'm so sorry i know it's not right
I'm a little bit twisted right now,and nothing looks bright
I guess we should be grateful, that bethany has held on so tight
If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be writing this tonight
Please don't let that quote fill you with freight
I was too caught up in telling myself lies
I know that you love her, i'm glad she got through
And I love how you still accept her, after our long past we've been through
Even when I said I'ma marry her i think you believed it too
But i've gone off topic now, this was supposed to be about you
I am gonna be a great son for you if it's the last thing i do
And you're right there are some who would kill to be in my shoes
Give up everything in a second just to trade places for a mother like you
But i am of your breed and too stubborn and hard headed to see
Sometimes the greatest things I could have are right in front of me
But i'm working on that now, i'm already feeling more free
I'm telling you mom things will go back to the way they used to be
I'll no longer stay distant, phone calls and texts will be a new routine
And you know, i'm glad you found a man who has brought you your peace
After the life you've lived you deserve that at least
I use least lightly cause you deserve the best
The way you are around him, i put that statement to rest
I wish you wouldn't worry so much, I know that you care
But I just want to let you know your baby boys still here
I'm not going anywhere so please do not fear
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Swallow777 Leaders
Posts : 2341 Join date : 2009-03-25 Age : 30 Location : The Underworld, obviously.
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 28, 2011 9:54 am | |
| D'awww. Your mom will love it, I'm sure. | |
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Luketh Leaders
Posts : 4072 Join date : 2009-02-21 Location : in a box, under a bridge
| Subject: Re: Steves overnight writing session Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:34 pm | |
| Bahaha! "D'awww!"
Yeah man, that's some pretty real shit. | |
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| Steves overnight writing session | |
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